Graduation and the Cloud of Surreality

People ask me now that I’m done with school, how do I feel? I don’t have a ready response. I could say something cliché like

• Wonderful!

• Excited!

• Elated!

• Fantastic!

• Relieved!

• Like a boss!

(if you add the word “fucking” in front of any of those words, even better! ;) )

It might be that I feel all of those things, and yet at the same time I don’t. I’m in this weird in-between stage, wrapped in a cloud of surreality. I haven’t yet managed to really feel that I am actually, finally graduated. First came the news that I had passed all of my courses. Passing my classes had never been a concern for me in the past, but this time around I had an instructor that I had a negative experience with before, so I wasn’t entirely sure I would pass her class. When the word came that I had, I was ecstatic! Then slowly came the news that I had passed two other courses. And yet, I still had to wait for one more course, which took several days longer. When I finally found out that I had received credit in that class I was able to give a big sigh of relief. I knew at that point I indeed would be graduating. And yet, it still didn’t feel real. So I waited to hear from the graduate office that it had accepted my recommendation for graduation; when the news came that it had, I gave another sigh of relief. I do have to say I was quite thrilled then too. And yet…something was missing. I wanted to officially see it printed on my transcript. Yesterday was the day that that happened. My transcript now shows that I graduated with a Master’s in Library and Information Science on December 13, 2013 and I am officially an alum. So now I should be jumping around, bouncing off the walls, right? And yet…I’m not. What gives?

I’m not entirely sure, mind you. Again, it’s this veil of surreality, a suspended sense of disbelief. I actually did this?? I’m actually graduated? I’m actually done? During my studies it felt at most times like I was fighting tooth and nail. It was the first time I entered studies without the luxury of focusing solely on school. This time around I was dealing with some real-life adult issues, working three part-time jobs (which, mind you, is a lot more work than working one full-time job), while enrolled in classes full-time. There were times where I thought I just couldn’t take it, I just wouldn’t make it. But one thing is for sure, and my family can attest to this, I am very stubborn, and I am a fighter. And I never start something I won’t see through. This degree, then, was no different. From sheer effort and a fighting spirit, I attacked it and conquered it and am now a happy, albeit confused, graduate. Confused you say? Yes, confused. I just can’t believe I’m done! What is this crazy talk?

In the previous paragraph I eluded to some real-life adult issues I was dealing with during my studies. Aside from working more than full-time while going to school full-time, I dealt with

• Becoming engaged and planning a wedding

• Experiencing an extreme falling out with family

• Getting married

• Having a spouse who couldn’t maintain employment and thus we had to suddenly move out of our place

• Finding out my husband wasn’t who he said he was

• Struggling with my family

• Finding out that my family had run a background check on my husband and found some very unsavory things about him

• Considering having to obtain a restraining order against my husband

• Hiring a lawyer and going through a divorce

• Facing single life once again when I thought that was a thing of the past

• Struggling from a vitamin D deficiency and a severe vitamin B12 insufficiency

• Having the divorce finalized

• Falling back into favor with my family

• Losing a long-term job I had due to the Writing Consultant positions being completely eliminated because the university I worked for lost its accreditation and suffered from decreased student enrollment

• Moving in with a roommate in Portland, against my parents’ wishes and experiencing another falling out with them

• Shortly after moving to Portland, having to scramble to find another place to live

These are some of the challenges I faced. And so perhaps maybe you can see now why everything seems so surreal. I’m not quite sure what will cement it for me. There is no graduation ceremony, unless I want to wait to walk in June. But meh, I don’t really feel like it. At that point it seems like it would be irrelevant. Maybe what will make it seem real is landing a librarian job.

Speaking of which, I’ve already started stepping up my game on applying to librarian positions. People told me to relax, take a break. Excuse me, take a what? No, there are bills to be paid, life to be lived. I’m rip-roaring and ready to go! I have been spending my extra time reading, sleeping, and searching for jobs. I’ve had a couple of days where I slept 12 hours straight. I think I’ve really been in need of sleep, having been deprived of it for so long. And my body has been rebelling, now that the adrenaline of the last two years is dying down. I came down with a head cold within just a couple of days of submitting my final assignment. So far I’ve applied to numerous jobs, here locally and up in Northern Washington, California, Colorado, and Switzerland. Who knows where my degree and my migratory ways will take me? I’ve been back in Vancouver now for over four years. The winds of change are blowing and I have nothing tying me down.

That being said, there are so many hobbies and interests that I also want to pursue. There are some simple ones that I could be doing now, but I think I’m in this weird in-between spot where I don’t want to do any of them yet (aside from reading and watching Netflix) and am just enjoying the peace and calm. There is actually extra space in my brain now that I can hear a little bit of quiet; I can, for once, take a breath and relax.

And aside from that all, or in the midst of it all, I’ve been dreaming again. Or at least I can remember my dreams. I have fondly termed them my nighttime musings. I’ve been dreaming about my future. And I’ve been dreaming about Japan once again. It’s so interesting because when I do, it’s all in Japanese. Other dreams I have involve my teeth falling out. I know, sounds weird, right? But I heard somewhere previously (because I’ve had these dreams before) that women have dreams about their teeth falling out more often than men, and it’s about confronting and experiencing great change. I believe this to be true. Other times I’ve had this same dream have been during tumultuous times. I remember I had this dream when I was living in Japan and I was contemplating leaving my job, breaking up with my boyfriend and moving back to the States. This particular dream always seems to occur during uncertain times, so I guess it’s only fitting that it has returned once again. And all the while, I toss and turn in my bed, using up every inch of space. I sleep horizontally, perpendicularly, and diagonally, dreaming, dreaming of what was, what is, and what will be. These, my friends, are my nighttime musings.

What does the future hold? I can’t claim to know. But I’m excited. And I know this: Everything is on the up and up! Huzzah!!